Why did I make myself such stringent rules? Who said I "should"? Why shouldn't I? or should I?
Maybe, there is no should....there just "is".......
I know it is me trying to run from the feelings of yuck. If I developed that unfailing connection with my inner self, I wouldn't ever feel that way, and having achieved that connection at times, thinking I should be there all the time. But....I'm human. I'm a perfect light, put in an imperfect body, in an imperfect world, with a brain filled with imperfect beliefs that cause behaviors, behaviors that society and happenstance constantly reinforces. NONE of it is truth, it just is. I find myself needing the reminder...again, that this is something you practice. It's just an end goal, you don't get to happy and just stay there.
I was feeling embarrassed to blog yet again about the same feelings I dealt with only weeks ago.....then I realized, but that's exactly the point. You are practicing, you aren't perfect. You are living life, you might even be living a richer, broader experience than those people you see as happy with their marriages, 1.5 kids and 2.5 cars, 2 incomes and a house with a dog. You might not have found someone to commune with, but you got to experience that person, even if only for a bit. You might feel disappointed, but you TRIED.