Wow, three months into the new year. How do I feel about that? I could say what my initial thought was, and that was that I'm still single. Still stuck in that don't-want-to-be-alone-forever-just-want-someone-to-be-there-and-not-understanding-why-not thing.....
I know I have learned that I should be accepting that I am where I need to be, that my best growth will happen now.....on my own. But goddamn does that get lonely. I have some great friends, that I can talk to about almost anything, but they have lives and for their own reasons aren't available themselves......
I'm struggling with feeling like I am being told I should be ok with being alone, when are any of us really ok with it? We are born into a family that is constantly there, we separate from them only to find a partner to be with, then have kids of our own. The partnerships dissolve, the kids grow up and...........what.
Yes, I have the space to be and do anything I want for me and not for others. Somehow that isn't too terribly fulfilling. Because I am in my feminine mindset, of wanting to take care of someone? So some would tell me, that I as a typical woman love too much. I've practiced turning that shower of loving on myself, only to eventually weary of my own companionship. Out of the necessity of protecting my energy expenditures, I have kept my contact world with people small, and notice the lack of a constant confidant. A mistake I am told. I find myself lonely for one such as I, a problem to be sure it is said.
If you speak up - are you confident, or needing attention?
If you are quiet - are you comfortable in your silence and opinion, or too nervous to speak?
If you chose to see the good in your partner rather than the "red flags" - are you living from your own truth or being a doormat?
If you've been divorced for over 10 years- have you dealt with those issues and are happy being you, or are you too broken for a relationship?
if you don't like talking on the phone - you lack self-confidence, or do you just know what you are comfortable with and that's not it?
if I long for a deep emotional connection - am I not cultivating that in myself and being needy, or am I just human in that we all yearn to be connected.
There seem to be many people out there that claim to have all the answers. They may have answers, but I would say they are what works for them. It's where they are in life, not where I am. I am trying to listen to what I know in my heart, my truth. Is that obvious? Not at all, sometimes the voices of my egos are far louder.
So for now, I am trying to accept that while it might seem like where I was at other points in my life were preferable to where I am now, this is what I need to move into the next phase at my strongest. And accept that even if this ends up being that next phase, and things don't really change for me, it's not all that bad. I'm alive after all, I have a voice and I can trust that someday, those that need to hear that voice, will. Practicing, practicing.
I know I have learned that I should be accepting that I am where I need to be, that my best growth will happen now.....on my own. But goddamn does that get lonely. I have some great friends, that I can talk to about almost anything, but they have lives and for their own reasons aren't available themselves......
I'm struggling with feeling like I am being told I should be ok with being alone, when are any of us really ok with it? We are born into a family that is constantly there, we separate from them only to find a partner to be with, then have kids of our own. The partnerships dissolve, the kids grow up and...........what.
Yes, I have the space to be and do anything I want for me and not for others. Somehow that isn't too terribly fulfilling. Because I am in my feminine mindset, of wanting to take care of someone? So some would tell me, that I as a typical woman love too much. I've practiced turning that shower of loving on myself, only to eventually weary of my own companionship. Out of the necessity of protecting my energy expenditures, I have kept my contact world with people small, and notice the lack of a constant confidant. A mistake I am told. I find myself lonely for one such as I, a problem to be sure it is said.
If you speak up - are you confident, or needing attention?
If you are quiet - are you comfortable in your silence and opinion, or too nervous to speak?
If you chose to see the good in your partner rather than the "red flags" - are you living from your own truth or being a doormat?
If you've been divorced for over 10 years- have you dealt with those issues and are happy being you, or are you too broken for a relationship?
if you don't like talking on the phone - you lack self-confidence, or do you just know what you are comfortable with and that's not it?
if I long for a deep emotional connection - am I not cultivating that in myself and being needy, or am I just human in that we all yearn to be connected.
There seem to be many people out there that claim to have all the answers. They may have answers, but I would say they are what works for them. It's where they are in life, not where I am. I am trying to listen to what I know in my heart, my truth. Is that obvious? Not at all, sometimes the voices of my egos are far louder.
So for now, I am trying to accept that while it might seem like where I was at other points in my life were preferable to where I am now, this is what I need to move into the next phase at my strongest. And accept that even if this ends up being that next phase, and things don't really change for me, it's not all that bad. I'm alive after all, I have a voice and I can trust that someday, those that need to hear that voice, will. Practicing, practicing.
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