I've been making a mistake. I've been forgetting that PEOPLE are NOT the relationship.  Just because a relationship doesn't work out, doesn't make that person bad.  And that works both ways, for the other person, and especially for myself.   I am not the relationship.  Because one didn't work out doesn't make ME a failure, because I don't currently have a relationship, does not make ME a failure.

Struggling to ge grateful for the fleeting things.  Struggling to not feel to blame when I don't get what I want in my life.  I guess it's natural to want to keep doing the things that make you feel good.  Struggling with allowing myself to have that want and to be ok with not having it fulfilled.
I'm recognizing that I've fallen back into the habits of grasping and seeing only lack.  it is hard to let go of the habit of thinking things should be a certain way in order to feel happy or even ok....
Struggling to arrange my thinking that I can only get what I need from a certain type of relationship...that one is particularly hard.  I don' know if that is learned behavior, though, like I started to say.  I remember seeing a study years ago that if a babies parent ignored them,  even if they weren't actually in distress,  the baby would suffer from that lack.  I guess as adults we are supposed to have the emotional maturity to handle that.  Oopps...?
Noooo....not oops.  How was I supposed to learn that?  Certainly not from any relationship I've ever had, be it parents, friends or partners.  AND....it takes practice....then things change, and you have to tweak it and practice another way.  I have to forgive myself for not being perfect.  And for thinking I shouldn't feel these things OR for thinking I shouldn't be struggling.
We do need connection, I am just struggling to not cling to that need....not place expectations that another person has to fulfill that.  Should I be able to give that to myself?  I knot inner connection, sure and we are all connected as humans....but am I crazy in thinking that companionship is a need?  Or have we just so underdeveloped our connection to our inner selves, that we've relied on that. 
This is all ego talking....they've taken over for the time being.....
yes. definitely, I've even had it come to my mind in recent days that I still have a woundedness that surfaced...
has my left brain taken over? I'm noticing this all saying the same thing essentially as previously....but in a more objective way.  I wonder....maybe that side of my brain is the side that tries to control, through logic.  So I'm falling back on habits of protection.  That would fit.  Not to mention I really don't like this crying emotional side...haha.

 I've been feeling embarrassed to feel stuck. To be feeling lonely again.  To feel disconnected from my inner self.  I've been judging myself very harshly for not being able to stay in that place of loving myself, and living from my inner light (or trying too).  I feel so much like I am backsliding instead. Feeling full of should should should!  I should be ok being alone, I should be ok being lonely. I should not feel the need for companionship that doesn't fulfill or support me.....and should not settle for just any companionship just to have the contact for awhile (although at least I haven't fallen to calling a call center just to have someone to talk to....)
Why did I make myself such stringent rules?  Who said I "should"?  Why shouldn't I? or should I?
Maybe, there is no should....there just "is".......
I know it is me trying to run from the feelings of yuck.  If I developed that unfailing connection with my inner self, I wouldn't ever feel that way, and having achieved that connection at times, thinking I should be there all the time.  But....I'm human.  I'm a perfect light, put in an imperfect body, in an imperfect world, with a brain filled with imperfect beliefs that cause behaviors, behaviors that society and happenstance constantly reinforces.  NONE of it is truth, it just is.  I find myself needing the reminder...again, that this is something you practice.  It's just an end goal, you don't get to happy and just stay there. 

I was feeling embarrassed to blog yet again about the same feelings I dealt with only weeks ago.....then I realized, but that's exactly the point.  You are practicing, you aren't perfect.  You are living life, you might even be living a richer, broader experience than those people you see as happy with their marriages, 1.5 kids and 2.5 cars, 2 incomes and a house with a dog.   You might not have found someone to commune with, but you got to experience that person, even if only for a bit.   You might feel disappointed, but you TRIED. 

I struggle with this, big time!!  And I guess likely it's fear talking.  It says "If I let go of that expectation and have gratitude for what the universe has brought me, then I  will never have what I want".
I guess there are a couple ways to look at that, first maybe what I want, isn't what I need......an idea which, I'm not going to lie, sucks, cuz it sure feels like a need.....this thing I want.  (is what make is feel like a need, is that there is an expectation of how it should look, or show up...)
Another way is that maybe letting go is just allowing, and allowing doesn't mean things will stay where they are, indeed they are always moving forward (no matter how hard we try to stop it).  Fear says to that: what if by allowing (accepting?) what is, you aren't leaving room for what could be? 
It is true that while I don't have in my life what I want,  I can still appreciate what I do have.
And I guess I need to trust that I will know when it is time to move on.
It is true that I don't have to believe that what I am being offered is all I am worth, that I don't deserve more. 
I know I am a vibrant loving being, and I have love to GIVE, and that just because I can't seem to find "someone" in my life capable of the same thing, doesn't mean I won't.
I am the same person I was before I met you, and just because you fall short, doesn't mean I have to judge myself for your lack.  (no matter what the effing manifestors of the world say)
And I hope you find yourself some day, and DO have that love to give, even if it is to someone else.
(that is another strange dynamic....loving is supposed to be about giving love, not receiving, so should I not be happy just being able to give that to someone?  Is it possible I am yet again trapped in the convoluted thinking of today's society?   That expectation that that should look a certain way?  Yes actually, I think all of this grasping can be chalked up to expectation and disappointment.  So, do you do away with expectations? or learn to live with disappointment?  OR find a way to grateful for all of it....I guess....that is leaving a crappy taste in my mouth this morning...)

Callie Rushton


"Carrey shares the startling realization he came to after years of fame: it’s totally pointless to spend our whole lives creating and curating some specific identity for ourselves.

~This is all ego: desiring to be important, to be someone, to matter. In reality, this grasping at a singular identity brings us only pain and suffering, for three main reasons. One, it introduces a separation between us and all other beings that dishonors our inherent, interconnected nature. Two, it deludes us into thinking that things are not supposed to change—that we are not supposed to change. Three, it leads us away from resting in our own basic goodness, as it makes us feel that we aren’t enough just as we are, right now.
The antidote to this suffering is to let go of this desire to be “someone.” As Carrey beautifully puts it, “The feeling of wholeness is a different feeling than me-ness.” To feel whole, we must let go of trying to maintain an image of “me.”
Drawing from his own experience, Carrey then connects this truth to the condition of depression:


“People talk about depression all the time. The difference between depression and sadness is sadness is just from happenstance—whatever happened or didn’t happen for you, or grief, or whatever it is. Depression is your body saying f*ck you, I don’t want to be this character anymore, I don’t want to hold up this avatar that you’ve created in the world. It’s too much for me.
You should think of the word ‘depressed’ as ‘deep rest.’ Your body needs to be depressed. It needs deep rest from the character that you’ve been trying to play.”
That might be the best assessment of depression I’ve ever heard.
Let’s give ourselves (what is “self,” anyway?) a break and let go of whatever identities we’ve worked so hard to create. Let’s instead live with an open heart and a sense of humor about ourselves and our world—since, in the words of Jim Carrey, none of it matters anyway.
And that’s a comforting thought."
~
This goes along with something I'm trying to embrace and follow:  We are expressions of love. That is what we exist for.  There is no right or wrong way to do it.  We are here to experience and be experienced.  However, whatever shows up. 
Pretty ZEN!  Just like ziplining in a prom dress! lmao!!! (it's from Ellen, I won't remember what the hell it means in 6 months, but it's fucking hilarious right now)