I wrote this post on FB awhile back. 


In between the spaces

In between the spaces is where you truly live
Between that task and this
Betwixt those busy thoughts you claim as your identity
Around those things that populate our lives
YOU exist in that space that floods around
And surrounds.
In the quiet, the acceptance of what is
The only true present there is
Where there is no time
In the stillness of just being.

Actually, it's not accurate to say in between the spaces, it's actually in the spaces between whatever....but it sounds good poetically I guess..
anyway, I recently read someone's story, man I wish I could remember where/who, but it referred to the idea that love isn't actually in us, it's outside. Now this is antithesis to my learning....I've been learning not to look for love outside, not to look to others to fill that hole.  But this idea isn't that, it's that love is everywhere....it's IN the spaces. (or it IS the spaces?)  We spend so much time and effort trying to find and get love from other people. We have this idea of what that has to look like.  What if we are limiting ourselves with those ideas?  What if what we are looking for, is already there?  Right there.  Right here....in those spaces, between the electrons flying around the nucleus all the way to the space around the stars.  In those curious patterns repeated from DNA strands to nautilus shells to orbiting moons.....think you this all a mistake or a grand coincidence?  The Great Mystery (picked that up from a Tara Brach talk)  is cohesive in it's beauty, consistent in all it offers.  And what it offers is love, in an infinity of ways.  You just have to be willing to receive and accept it. 
That sweet air you breath, the warm nourishing sun on your face, the refreshing hydrating water you drink, touch, bath in....the smile of a child, the laugh of a friend.....the amazing fact that your body is such an incredible efficient machine.  The miracle that you are here! Here now, experiencing ANY of this!  How can you not be amazed just to be alive?  
I don't know....in writing this, I was thinking to address that people love in many different ways.  What trips us up is our expectations of what that love should look like.  For instance, our parents should be warm, supporting, caring people, always there for us unconditionally.  But can you have compassion for them in knowing that they suffer just like you do?  And that in that suffering, they may fail you? (or seem to)  People love in the ways they know how, many from behaviors learned in mistaking need for love.  Which leads me to my thought earlier.....do we love or ARE we love?  If we are love, isn't our every action one of love?  (oh that brings up some arguments,  huh?  Because yeah, those expectations again)  Our very existence is an expression of love in truth and all we really have to do is just BE. (interesting I circled back to that, as I have so many times and didn't expect to find here)
 
Our human experience would offer up arguments right now. But what about all the ugliness, the destruction, the hate, the pain in the world?   A vast majority of that can be chalked up to the cycle of, well, everything.  Everything changes, and sometimes it ends, and we as humans have decided that's a bad thing, when in reality, it's just a thing.  Things change.  Now, is there some true ugliness in the world? Yes, some individuals have done some awful things.  Human suffering has lead some to destructive actions because they see it as the only way to alleviate that pain or to control it.  This isn't because those things that cause pain shouldn't happen, they HAVE to happen, it's because we aren't ok with feeling that suffering, that pain.  We push it away and hate it and want to be anywhere else.  It must be embraced, it's part of the human experience.  Indeed, it must be loved.  Because the "bad" happens too.  We don't have to accept that as our only reality, as our "truth".  It's a cell, a nucleus.....our truth--is in that space.  In those spaces, where love lives, and at any point, you can retreat to those spaces, breath it in and know you are truly surrounded by love.

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

she has multiple talks.     Site: http://brenebrown.com/


Gary Van Warmerdam:   http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com

self mastery program (log in), but also lots of free blogs and audios.  Need to finish the program. Actually probably start over and finish.  It will definitely make more sense now...(and his book)

Also various digital books you OWN!!  Pema Chadron,  Naht Hahn, Miguel, Tara Brach, Moss


In the spirit of Gary Van Warmerdam,  I am going to use this method to document some success.  I did recently have some things shift and realized that while I keep looking for love, it's already here, available, I just need to accept what is being offered.  That's not always in the way we are looking for it (like a romantic relationship), but it is an act of being present to say what I have is enough and I can be happy with it.  What's more was giving myself permission to GIVE love without the expectation of receiving it in return (or the expectation of how that would look, might be more accurate).  WOW, that really felt like I had opened a door when I had really been feeling like I was constantly slamming them shut with finding people who didn't meet my needs, so moving on....I realized I do have needs and still try to get them met, but it doesn't mean I can't accept the experiences I am being offered, as long as I am still taking care of myself.  That leaves me free to experience people for who they are and I look forward to enjoying that construct. 
Now, I hope to bring that into other areas, likely by taking more "risks" with my business/art.....funny, I'm waiting until I develop a plan on how to proceed there, when what is needed is to again be present with what is here, enjoy the experience and have gratitude around it.  The rest happens. boy it's hard to let go of trying to control it.

update 5/17/17
Wow! Yeah, letting go of those expectations is ridiculous hard!!   But then I have to remind myself, what choice do I really have?  I can sit here wishing things were different, that this person would put in what I am, but the fact of that matter is, we love differently, we are in different places and the best we can do is just be our loving selves.....and maybe, just maybe, that will be responded to in like.  And when it's not, you  get to decide to move on.  Patience!! Yes...patience....and....some moving on...

Wait, Watch, and Surrender to Real LifeThe next time (and every time) you catch some negative thought or feeling that says, "I am anxious," "I am scared," "I am mad," or "I am in so much pain" -- the first thing to do is to come wide awake to yourself. By taking the following inner action, you can deliberately snap yourself out of that dark dream that is trying to weave itself into your identity. Rather than allowing yourself to be drawn into all the reasons that have appeared in your mind to justify why you should cry, reach instead for the shelter of the present moment. Then, while knowing that this negative state is present and pressing you to identify with its little life, work as consciously as you can to drop everything in that negative declaration except for the awareness of I am.
In other words, let go of any dark definition of yourself about to be draped over you. Just stand there, in the Now, within the light of your awareness and allow your newly awakened state to give you its identity. Then be still; just watch. Be the new you that sees the moment as it is -- instead of being deceived into seeing what that false I wants you to see so that it can go on stealing your life!
Your awareness of these troubled thoughts and feelings roaming through you is the power that keeps their harmful and self-limiting influences from having control over you. Their aim is to get you to define yourself by identifying with their dark and defiling energies. Your aim is to remember that who you really are cannot be confined by dark thoughts or feelings any more than the light from a bulb can be contained in its glass.
As with all true spiritual exercises, we must approach them with great intention and persistence. The habitual dark states that have been misguiding us up to now will not give up their place at the steering wheel of our soul without struggle. Never mind any setbacks that you may experience as you put forth these new inner efforts. Whenever you find yourself a captive in the dark little kingdom of some unkind, troubled thought or feeling, just remember right then your wish to be. Drop whatever would define and limit you by bringing yourself back into the great and unconditioned Now where all is one. That's your part. The truth will handle the rest.

from Let Go and Live in the Now, by Guy Finley