So this is a constant theme in my struggles and probably almost everyone's....feeling the need to control, when the need is actually to let go, to surrender.  Not surrender yourself, but to surrender expectations.  This one has been revolving in my brain for weeks.  I understood that being completely in the present moment was necessary to achieve and kind of peace, but I got SO hung up on "but if I do that, how can I possibly be moving forward?"  If I let go of an expectation, and indeed expect nothing, isn't that exactly what I will get? 
So I researched, and I finally came upon a passage that resonated with me and made sense:
"Once I release the attachment and focus on being grateful for what I have in the moment, my life seems to shift, and progress seems to happen naturally"  -Henri Junttila at Tiny Buddha.

Of course there are many ways of putting this I realized....you get what you need, not what you want.....
abundance is already here, you just have to change your perspective....
But....for now, this works for me.
I am dead certain I will end up here again, when life sweeps me into its turbulence, or when I get attached to something, or someone, that feels so good.  My hope is that then I will realize those things happen as not derailing, but as reinforcement (which is exactly what Henri was saying the article I just realized)
AND, it will be.......well, yeah..... BE.

(and I'm happy to say I just realized what the final painting needs to be in the series of me!! :)

Today I find myself realizing that it really isn't the destination. I keep thinking I "should" be getting to place where I feel happy, or at least content with myself, my life.  And I keep working toward it, waiting for it.  And it never comes.  There is just that yuck of wishing something was different. That I had a significant other, that I could live comfortably on my income, that I was doing in my business that which calls to me and not trying to make everyone else happy instead,  that people were better to each other. 
I understand that this suffering is from not living completely in the now.  Sounds like a simple proposition, doesn't it?  It's somewhat terrifying.  And, so at odds with how we've been taught to live our lives, that is almost seems a monumental undertaking.  But I say this:  We were seriously misinformed.  We as a whole, especially in the US, have been fed a line of bullshit so wide that it's just commonly accepted as being REAL LIFE.  It might be real, but it's fucking miserable.  And until we finally learn to be accepting individuals, and create space for ourselves and others in which to just BE, we will continue to be so. 
So, for today, I can recognize that the shit still comes around, not because I deserve it, not because I somehow manifested it, not because OTHER people are assholes, but just because.  AND, I can use those piles of shit as reminders to stop and remember, I'm not a body, I'm a soul, and my soul doesn't care about shit!