Forgetting to Love the Muck too

Ooooooo......set foot back in the dating world. Anxiety rears it's ugly head as I get trapped in expectations. While I try so hard to be open to whatever presents itself, you want what you want and/or people act in certain ways that at least set up the expectation that they will continue to act in that way.....and when they don't, disappoinment. I've really been struggling with disappointment. It doesn't feel good. It's a feeling you don't really want around. It's something I had convinced myself that if I was as awakened and enlightened as I "should be", I wouldn't feel, I would be so carefree, I would be virtually bulletproof.
I forgot that what I am here for is to experience. And the uncomfortable feelings are part of that experience. They are the yuck. And we need the yuck, it grows us into stronger individuals, and sometimes forces us to remember, deep down under all the yuck....there is still a beautiful light. Or maybe the yuck is what actually breaks the shell of oblivion that we live in called everyday lift, and lets that light shine through. It's a paradoxical thing for sure...one that doesn't feel natural to us.
I've long tried to embrace the ideal of non-attachment, understanding that our attachment is what causes our suffering. I forget, it doesn't mean you can't be attached to something or someone or some idea....it just means that you can't attach your beliefs about who you are to the place/person/thing/outcome. We aren't meant to be steel to keep everything out, we are meant to resilient.
As Kyle Cease would, say, and I love it! lol
That thinking also led me to another struggle. That of feeling lonely. I fight that one. I've had myself convinced that if I'm ok with being alone, I shouldn't feel lonely. The truth is, I still do at times. And, AND....it's ok. It's ok to feel that way, to miss companionship, comraderie. It's human.
..................so, this too.
Until the next time, when I forget that I can swim....