I've been feeling embarrassed to feel stuck. To be feeling lonely again. To feel disconnected from my inner self. I've been judging myself very harshly for not being able to stay in that place of loving myself, and living from my inner light (or trying too). I feel so much like I am backsliding instead. Feeling full of should should should! I should be ok being alone, I should be ok being lonely. I should not feel the need for companionship that doesn't fulfill or support me.....and should not settle for just any companionship just to have the contact for awhile (although at least I haven't fallen to calling a call center just to have someone to talk to....)
Why did I make myself such stringent rules? Who said I "should"? Why shouldn't I? or should I?
Maybe, there is no should....there just "is".......
I know it is me trying to run from the feelings of yuck. If I developed that unfailing connection with my inner self, I wouldn't ever feel that way, and having achieved that connection at times, thinking I should be there all the time. But....I'm human. I'm a perfect light, put in an imperfect body, in an imperfect world, with a brain filled with imperfect beliefs that cause behaviors, behaviors that society and happenstance constantly reinforces. NONE of it is truth, it just is. I find myself needing the reminder...again, that this is something you practice. It's just an end goal, you don't get to happy and just stay there.
I was feeling embarrassed to blog yet again about the same feelings I dealt with only weeks ago.....then I realized, but that's exactly the point. You are practicing, you aren't perfect. You are living life, you might even be living a richer, broader experience than those people you see as happy with their marriages, 1.5 kids and 2.5 cars, 2 incomes and a house with a dog. You might not have found someone to commune with, but you got to experience that person, even if only for a bit. You might feel disappointed, but you TRIED.
Why did I make myself such stringent rules? Who said I "should"? Why shouldn't I? or should I?
Maybe, there is no should....there just "is".......
I know it is me trying to run from the feelings of yuck. If I developed that unfailing connection with my inner self, I wouldn't ever feel that way, and having achieved that connection at times, thinking I should be there all the time. But....I'm human. I'm a perfect light, put in an imperfect body, in an imperfect world, with a brain filled with imperfect beliefs that cause behaviors, behaviors that society and happenstance constantly reinforces. NONE of it is truth, it just is. I find myself needing the reminder...again, that this is something you practice. It's just an end goal, you don't get to happy and just stay there.
I was feeling embarrassed to blog yet again about the same feelings I dealt with only weeks ago.....then I realized, but that's exactly the point. You are practicing, you aren't perfect. You are living life, you might even be living a richer, broader experience than those people you see as happy with their marriages, 1.5 kids and 2.5 cars, 2 incomes and a house with a dog. You might not have found someone to commune with, but you got to experience that person, even if only for a bit. You might feel disappointed, but you TRIED.
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