I sort of amazed myself this weekend. Interestingly enough, I realized something while thinking. That doesn't usually happen, it is usually stillness that brings the clarity. I was thinking about how everyone wears all these masks, or operates from different egos, whatever way you want to say it. I remember when I first began my journey of "self discovery". The particular self help book I was reading talked about your masks and finding your authentic self. It was such an obscure concept to me, I'm just me, right? It seemed a daunting, even impossible task, to uncover my authentic self. Which one is it? How will I know? And putting that pressure on myself, "I HAVE to find this! I HAVE to start living from my authentic self, they say so!!" Looking back, that first "helpful" article....wasn't so much so. It was like that person knew what needed to happen, but not the connection to MAKE it happen. Luckily, I've found publications since from enlightened people who DO know how to get you there. (the trick is staying there)
Of course over the years I've come to realize, and strive to accept (is that an oxymoron?), that I have various egos/masks. Do I like them all? Certainly not. Have they served me, some more than others, but they were what I needed at the time. Have they changed? Yes. I suppose they have. That's a truth and possibly the ONLY truth, that I am not the same person I was, even a moment ago. However, there IS that essence, that light....that always lives under it all. In the spaces. THAT is my authentic self. And I have joy that I discovered that. That elusive connection that finally jibed for me.
I have to laugh, of course it's one of those: it was right in front of my face. AND, it's likely I will forget. Sort of like math, if you don't use it, you will lose it. But I was there, I am here and I'll find myself again. And when I do, it will be a glorious reunion.
The other thing that is sort of moving toward some clarity is around resistance. It's still a little elusive, but I caught a glimpse of understanding how my penchant for understanding a concept always comes with a but....a spot where it falls apart for me....I think some if not all of that is the need to make sense of it, test it against scenarios. The problem is, my scenarios can only be within the bounds of my experience, so I can't imagine an outcome, that I can't imagine. That's faith. That's those spaces.....
Accept it all, let it go....and the important stuff stays.
Of course over the years I've come to realize, and strive to accept (is that an oxymoron?), that I have various egos/masks. Do I like them all? Certainly not. Have they served me, some more than others, but they were what I needed at the time. Have they changed? Yes. I suppose they have. That's a truth and possibly the ONLY truth, that I am not the same person I was, even a moment ago. However, there IS that essence, that light....that always lives under it all. In the spaces. THAT is my authentic self. And I have joy that I discovered that. That elusive connection that finally jibed for me.
I have to laugh, of course it's one of those: it was right in front of my face. AND, it's likely I will forget. Sort of like math, if you don't use it, you will lose it. But I was there, I am here and I'll find myself again. And when I do, it will be a glorious reunion.
The other thing that is sort of moving toward some clarity is around resistance. It's still a little elusive, but I caught a glimpse of understanding how my penchant for understanding a concept always comes with a but....a spot where it falls apart for me....I think some if not all of that is the need to make sense of it, test it against scenarios. The problem is, my scenarios can only be within the bounds of my experience, so I can't imagine an outcome, that I can't imagine. That's faith. That's those spaces.....
Accept it all, let it go....and the important stuff stays.
RSS Feed
