Hmmm...just writing that title, makes me pause to think....well, what is fair? Would it be more fair if it was someone else going through it? Or if no one had to go through it at all? Or if this something just affected another area of my life, but not this one?
How do you resolve that something you love to do and that you feel like you've only just begun to explore, and makes you feel alive......you just can't do anymore. And how do you keep from being trapped in the story of it wasn't my fault, I didn't deserve it. When here it is. And it can't be changed.
There is a lesson to be learned here. One I'm not entirely sure I can engage in right now. For some reason I am completely stuck in not being able to love myself right now. Stuck in how can I love me when I can't give myself or manifest what I think I need to be happy? Or that I keep myself stuck in even wanting those things?
Yeah, that's the big one. That desperate yearning for. What do you do? Squash it? Accept it and hope? Accept that it won't happen and move on?
I know the answer is to love myself through it, but frankly I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted from trying to live from my integrity when others don't seem bothered to do so. I'm exhausted from trying to be the person that I would want to have a relationship with, because you get out what you put in, right? No guarantee. In fact, I would have to say that in my "experiments", the results are about 90% against that hypothesis. Do I know that doesn't mean it's an absolute? Of course, but I do have to ask myself if it is something worth pursuing any longer.
Maybe it's time to just go to my corner again. I get almost, if not more, out of that than I do in trying so effing hard. After all, I should practice what I preach, and just Be.
How do you resolve that something you love to do and that you feel like you've only just begun to explore, and makes you feel alive......you just can't do anymore. And how do you keep from being trapped in the story of it wasn't my fault, I didn't deserve it. When here it is. And it can't be changed.
There is a lesson to be learned here. One I'm not entirely sure I can engage in right now. For some reason I am completely stuck in not being able to love myself right now. Stuck in how can I love me when I can't give myself or manifest what I think I need to be happy? Or that I keep myself stuck in even wanting those things?
Yeah, that's the big one. That desperate yearning for. What do you do? Squash it? Accept it and hope? Accept that it won't happen and move on?
I know the answer is to love myself through it, but frankly I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted from trying to live from my integrity when others don't seem bothered to do so. I'm exhausted from trying to be the person that I would want to have a relationship with, because you get out what you put in, right? No guarantee. In fact, I would have to say that in my "experiments", the results are about 90% against that hypothesis. Do I know that doesn't mean it's an absolute? Of course, but I do have to ask myself if it is something worth pursuing any longer.
Maybe it's time to just go to my corner again. I get almost, if not more, out of that than I do in trying so effing hard. After all, I should practice what I preach, and just Be.
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