I've been feeling embarrassed to feel stuck. To be feeling lonely again.  To feel disconnected from my inner self.  I've been judging myself very harshly for not being able to stay in that place of loving myself, and living from my inner light (or trying too).  I feel so much like I am backsliding instead. Feeling full of should should should!  I should be ok being alone, I should be ok being lonely. I should not feel the need for companionship that doesn't fulfill or support me.....and should not settle for just any companionship just to have the contact for awhile (although at least I haven't fallen to calling a call center just to have someone to talk to....)
Why did I make myself such stringent rules?  Who said I "should"?  Why shouldn't I? or should I?
Maybe, there is no should....there just "is".......
I know it is me trying to run from the feelings of yuck.  If I developed that unfailing connection with my inner self, I wouldn't ever feel that way, and having achieved that connection at times, thinking I should be there all the time.  But....I'm human.  I'm a perfect light, put in an imperfect body, in an imperfect world, with a brain filled with imperfect beliefs that cause behaviors, behaviors that society and happenstance constantly reinforces.  NONE of it is truth, it just is.  I find myself needing the reminder...again, that this is something you practice.  It's just an end goal, you don't get to happy and just stay there. 

I was feeling embarrassed to blog yet again about the same feelings I dealt with only weeks ago.....then I realized, but that's exactly the point.  You are practicing, you aren't perfect.  You are living life, you might even be living a richer, broader experience than those people you see as happy with their marriages, 1.5 kids and 2.5 cars, 2 incomes and a house with a dog.   You might not have found someone to commune with, but you got to experience that person, even if only for a bit.   You might feel disappointed, but you TRIED. 

I struggle with this, big time!!  And I guess likely it's fear talking.  It says "If I let go of that expectation and have gratitude for what the universe has brought me, then I  will never have what I want".
I guess there are a couple ways to look at that, first maybe what I want, isn't what I need......an idea which, I'm not going to lie, sucks, cuz it sure feels like a need.....this thing I want.  (is what make is feel like a need, is that there is an expectation of how it should look, or show up...)
Another way is that maybe letting go is just allowing, and allowing doesn't mean things will stay where they are, indeed they are always moving forward (no matter how hard we try to stop it).  Fear says to that: what if by allowing (accepting?) what is, you aren't leaving room for what could be? 
It is true that while I don't have in my life what I want,  I can still appreciate what I do have.
And I guess I need to trust that I will know when it is time to move on.
It is true that I don't have to believe that what I am being offered is all I am worth, that I don't deserve more. 
I know I am a vibrant loving being, and I have love to GIVE, and that just because I can't seem to find "someone" in my life capable of the same thing, doesn't mean I won't.
I am the same person I was before I met you, and just because you fall short, doesn't mean I have to judge myself for your lack.  (no matter what the effing manifestors of the world say)
And I hope you find yourself some day, and DO have that love to give, even if it is to someone else.
(that is another strange dynamic....loving is supposed to be about giving love, not receiving, so should I not be happy just being able to give that to someone?  Is it possible I am yet again trapped in the convoluted thinking of today's society?   That expectation that that should look a certain way?  Yes actually, I think all of this grasping can be chalked up to expectation and disappointment.  So, do you do away with expectations? or learn to live with disappointment?  OR find a way to grateful for all of it....I guess....that is leaving a crappy taste in my mouth this morning...)

Callie Rushton


"Carrey shares the startling realization he came to after years of fame: it’s totally pointless to spend our whole lives creating and curating some specific identity for ourselves.

~This is all ego: desiring to be important, to be someone, to matter. In reality, this grasping at a singular identity brings us only pain and suffering, for three main reasons. One, it introduces a separation between us and all other beings that dishonors our inherent, interconnected nature. Two, it deludes us into thinking that things are not supposed to change—that we are not supposed to change. Three, it leads us away from resting in our own basic goodness, as it makes us feel that we aren’t enough just as we are, right now.
The antidote to this suffering is to let go of this desire to be “someone.” As Carrey beautifully puts it, “The feeling of wholeness is a different feeling than me-ness.” To feel whole, we must let go of trying to maintain an image of “me.”
Drawing from his own experience, Carrey then connects this truth to the condition of depression:


“People talk about depression all the time. The difference between depression and sadness is sadness is just from happenstance—whatever happened or didn’t happen for you, or grief, or whatever it is. Depression is your body saying f*ck you, I don’t want to be this character anymore, I don’t want to hold up this avatar that you’ve created in the world. It’s too much for me.
You should think of the word ‘depressed’ as ‘deep rest.’ Your body needs to be depressed. It needs deep rest from the character that you’ve been trying to play.”
That might be the best assessment of depression I’ve ever heard.
Let’s give ourselves (what is “self,” anyway?) a break and let go of whatever identities we’ve worked so hard to create. Let’s instead live with an open heart and a sense of humor about ourselves and our world—since, in the words of Jim Carrey, none of it matters anyway.
And that’s a comforting thought."
~
This goes along with something I'm trying to embrace and follow:  We are expressions of love. That is what we exist for.  There is no right or wrong way to do it.  We are here to experience and be experienced.  However, whatever shows up. 
Pretty ZEN!  Just like ziplining in a prom dress! lmao!!! (it's from Ellen, I won't remember what the hell it means in 6 months, but it's fucking hilarious right now)

Ooooooo......set foot back in the dating world. Anxiety rears it's ugly head as I get trapped in expectations. While I try so hard to be open to whatever presents itself, you want what you want and/or people act in certain ways that at least set up the expectation that they will continue to act in that way.....and when they don't, disappoinment. I've really been struggling with disappointment. It doesn't feel good. It's a feeling you don't really want around. It's something I had convinced myself that if I was as awakened and enlightened as I "should be", I wouldn't feel, I would be so carefree, I would be virtually bulletproof.
I forgot that what I am here for is to experience. And the uncomfortable feelings are part of that experience. They are the yuck. And we need the yuck, it grows us into stronger individuals, and sometimes forces us to remember, deep down under all the yuck....there is still a beautiful light. Or maybe the yuck is what actually breaks the shell of oblivion that we live in called everyday lift, and lets that light shine through. It's a paradoxical thing for sure...one that doesn't feel natural to us.
I've long tried to embrace the ideal of non-attachment, understanding that our attachment is what causes our suffering. I forget, it doesn't mean you can't be attached to something or someone or some idea....it just means that you can't attach your beliefs about who you are to the place/person/thing/outcome. We aren't meant to be steel to keep everything out, we are meant to resilient.
As Kyle Cease would, say, and I love it! lol
That thinking also led me to another struggle. That of feeling lonely. I fight that one. I've had myself convinced that if I'm ok with being alone, I shouldn't feel lonely. The truth is, I still do at times. And, AND....it's ok. It's ok to feel that way, to miss companionship, comraderie. It's human.
..................so, this too.
Until the next time, when I forget that I can swim....

It's hard to just allow things to be as they are. I am sorely reminded at times.  We are so conditioned to try to make ourselves OR others feel better, that at times we aren't truthful about our experience.   And that's all this really is, is an experience.  Oft times (yes, I just said oft), we are so focused on an expectation or an outcome, that we forget.   I get stuck in expectations a lot of the time, we are taught to HAVE expectations, that if you act this way, someone else should act that way.....and so on.....but all the while we are not only robbing that person of their own experience by expecting them to meet our expectations, but also robbing ourselves of our experience of ourselves and that person.
I think we can still share how we feel about our experience, the rough thing is, then the other person often will judge themselves based on that observation.  THEN they share their experience, which is good, as long as it's shared constructively and you are willing to hear and not get defensive or judge yourself.  It's ok to have differing experiences, even at the threat of it meaning a relationship may not continue.  What's important, I think anyway, is sharing what feels true for you about the experience and allowing yourself and the other person to feel those truths without judgement.  It's not about blame, no one is more right than the other.
It is hard tho. You want what you want, you know what you need from a relationship for it to grow and you find yourself wanting someone to act in other ways.  You have to continuously remind yourself- if that is who they are, you have to allow that.  If it is not who they really are, you have to allow that too.   It's not about you, it's not about what you need, it's about their experience. 
I am trying to really allow people to show up HOWEVER they are going to show up.  I might wish it were different, but I would not rob of your experience. I would not want to make your feel less by applying my own expectations to you.  I want you to be your own true expression and not one driven by fear.

You can only do what feels right for you and maybe that will resonate for someone, maybe it won't, and that's ok, because you were true to yourself.

I was thinking about a discussion I had with a friend the other day. We were discussing being scared of being alone for the rest of our lives, meaning without an SO.  I was trying to explain to him that I too had felt stuck in that fear until I finally realized that just like I can't wait until my business is successful, or I can quit my job and do what I love, or I make a million dollars to be happy and enjoy my life, I can't predicate my happiness on having that special someone in my life right now. I've found myself judging myself quite harshly for being single and found myself looking to the future for my life to actually start.  My life is now.  That made me realize that what I was actually talking about was being present.  Living in the now. Enjoying what life has brought me right now, even if that doesn't look like what I had pictured.  There are still so many things I can be grateful for and take joy in every day. 
I know from experience that is a tough thing to do when you are in pain.  How can you be grateful for hurting?  How you be grateful for what feels like lack?  That's when you have to do what I think of as microsizing being present and just focus on that moment.  Right now, you are safe, you are fed, you might hurt, but you can handle it in this moment, you ARE handling it in this moment.  You are drawing sweet air into amazing machines called lungs and expelling a different mixture, isn't that a wonderous thing!?  Your body just did that, without a thought, it just happens.   When you look at the day, you see incredible colors....not every being can, but you get to see that beauty every day!  And what feels like lack, may actually be just a nudge in a different direction, to new opportunities.  There are SO many!   We get so focused on the past and what we've "lost", and so focused on getting to a certain destination, we miss the gifts we have right in front of us, and that is the heart of our suffering.  What if you felt surrounded by that abundance right now?  Why can't you?  Maybe, it's just a matter of redefining your definition of abundance.  Does it mean you have to settle? I don't think so, it's more a matter of accepting; accepting the gifts you have been given. 

And vice versa.  Sometimes you don't realize you are resisting, but if you aren't allowing, you are resisting.  Funny how one feels very active and the other not. 

I am constantly needing to remind myself (be mindful), that I am here to experience.  And that means in every way, the "good" and the "bad".  This is particularly hard with people when you have an expectation of how they should interact with you, and when that doesn't happen feeling very disappointed and then sent into a tailspin of thinking you can do something to get them to do what you thought they should.  Can you tell them what you expect? Sure. It doesn't guarantee an outcome though.  Indeed, I would submit that you might be tampering with their experience in the world. 
It's an amazing paradox to me. How if can feel at once so free to be in the place of allowing, and just experiencing what comes; and feeling so powerless as to be utterly terrified at the same time.  I am learning it really takes time to let go of that need to control and to really be in a place of....well, allowing.   Even when you have come to that spot, staying there is hard.  And I have to allow that too.

It's empty....yes empty. I can't do anything about it.  it won't let me delete it. 
Ok, well it's not empty now.  And now I need to let go